


Only Our Souls // Only Our Hearts // Only Our Love

by CaptainWeasley



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, First Time, Fluff, M/M, as much as i love to headcanon alex as bi, in this story he realises that he's gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:28:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27317017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainWeasley/pseuds/CaptainWeasley
Summary: Alex is anxious about having sex with Charlie for the first time. As always, talking to Charlie helps.
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall
Comments: 10
Kudos: 147





	Only Our Souls // Only Our Hearts // Only Our Love

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be PWP and then it ended up being... something else. The M rating is purely to be on the safe side, the sex scene is essentially a fade to black.

The problem was, Alex wanted to sleep with Charlie. He really, really did.

No, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that he kept finding excuses not to go through with it.

And the second problem was that as he made up more and more excuses, the fear started growing inside him: fear that Charlie would leave him. Alex knew full well that he wasn't always the easiest person to be with, and he felt like it was just a matter of days until Charlie realized that he could do better, that there were lots of people out there for whom having sex wasn't an issue.

Charlie was gorgeous, and kind, and smart, and his smile was the most beautiful thing Alex had ever seen, so beautiful that it sometimes made his stomach hurt when he looked at him. Because deep down, he was afraid their relationship couldn't last. Wouldn't last. That he wouldn't be enough for Charlie.

Charlie's deep, regular breaths next to Alex were soothing, in a way. But at the same time they weren't. Alex stared up at the dark ceiling in his room, biting his lip. He wanted to keep this, keep Charlie, and yet he felt like he was screwing it up, like everything else in his life. Alex wished there was a lever or something inside his brain that he could just pull to make himself normal. Easy to be with. Not afraid of having sex with his boyfriend.

Alex bit his lip again, then decided that he should at least try to get some sleep and cuddled up to said boyfriend. God, Charlie even smelled good, and Alex wondered (not for the first time) at the fact that this man apparently wanted to be with him. Alex couldn't understand it.

Charlie moved in his sleep, instinctively throwing an arm over Alex as he turned around. His face looked so peaceful, practically serene, his lips were parted a little, and Alex's stomach tightened again. How did he deserve to be in a relationship with someone so wonderful?

"I love you," he whispered, hoping that Charlie could hear him in his sleep. "I love you so much."

**

When Alex woke up in Charlie's arms the next morning, he resolved to put a stop to this. No more excuses, no more spiralling into worry and self-doubt. It was time they had a frank conversation.

"Good morning," Charlie smiled and kissed the tip of Alex's nose, making Alex grin.

"Morning," Alex mumbled, snuggling closer into Charlie's embrace.

He loved being in the arms of his boyfriend, Charlie always made him feel safe.

"Can we..." Alex began, then promptly lost his nerve. He swallowed and tried again. "Can we talk?"

He immediately felt stupid. That wasn't the smooth opening he'd hoped for.

"Sure. Talk about what?"

Charlie's voice was warm, like it always was, as though he carried sunshine around inside him.

Alex bit his lip, his whole body tense for a long moment. Then, he decided that if he didn't say anything now he would probably never get to sleep with Charlie, and that was not a world he wanted to live in.

"Talk about... Uh, having sex, I guess."

On the one hand, he was glad that he couldn't see Charlie's reaction, because Alex was already embarrassed enough as it was. On the other hand, however, the expression on Charlie's face might have been hilarious, and now he'd missed it.

"Great idea," Charlie replied cheerfully. "You go first."

Alex couldn't help but roll his eyes slightly, how did Charlie always manage to be so damn endearing?

"You might have noticed that I've been kind of... avoiding it."

Charlie laughed a little at that.

"Damn right I noticed."

Alex took a deep breath, but wasn't sure where exactly to start.

"You know we don't have to," Charlie said suddenly, more seriously, before Alex could get another word out.

"What?"

"We don't have to have sex," Charlie's voice was so gentle, Alex loved when he spoke like that. "I mean I want to, but only if you're ready. I know I brought it up a couple of times, but I'll stop if it's making you uncomfortable."

Alex couldn't help but smile against Charlie's chest.

"No, I do want to have sex with you," he said, almost laughing. Suddenly, the conversation seemed very easy. Charlie always managed to do that, somehow.

"Oh, good!" Alex could hear the grin in Charlie's voice.

"It's just that I've had some awkward experiences in the past, and I... I don't want to fuck it up again, you know?"

Charlie's arms around him tightened, only slightly, but enough for Alex to notice.

"How could you fuck it up?"

Alex was slightly taken aback by this question. Hadn't he just said—?

"I mean, I don't want to do anything wrong—I don't want it to be awkward with you."

"I don't care if it's awkward," Charlie said simply.

"Well, I do!"

"Why, though? We'll have fun no matter what happens."

Alex frowned.

"Sex isn't about having fun."

Charlie took an outraged breath.

"What! In what world? Of course sex is about having fun!"

Alex leaned up on one elbow so he could stare at his boyfriend, whose face looked exactly the way Alex had expected: wide eyes, strangely innocent in their sincerity, cheeks slightly flushed, lips parted. The urge to kiss him was strong, but Alex resisted the temptation.

"You really think sex is about having fun?" He asked, still frowning.

Charlie caressed Alex's cheek lightly with his fingertips, the touch sent sparks through Alex's whole body. God, he wanted nothing more than for Charlie to keep doing that, touch him like that everywhere, and he wanted to touch him, too, wanted to feel and kiss and love every inch of Charlie's body...

"Yeah, of course. What do you think it's about?"

Charlie's question didn't carry any sort of heat with it, wasn't meant to start an argument. It was an honest question, and as per usual, it stopped Alex in his trail of thought. Charlie had a knack for that, asking difficult questions without any judgement, making Alex think twice about his own assumptions.

"I don't... I don't know. I mean, you're supposed to be good at it, aren't you, people are always talking about that. Like, how good somebody is in bed. It should be passionate, and, you know, sexy."

Charlie grinned at that, in that adorable way he had that always made Alex's heart beat faster.

"Okay, this is going to sound like I'm high, but bear with me. I don't think sex necessarily has to be sexy."

Now Alex grinned as well.

"Fuck off."

"No, I'm serious! People will tell you all sorts of stories, and believe me, I've heard plenty in that locker room at Liberty, but I think that most of those are just lies. Or embellishments. Or people not knowing how to put their experiences into words without getting super personal, so they shorthand with _oh, so-and-so is really good in bed_."

Alex made a face, stubborn as ever.

"Yeah, but still! There must be a reason why that's the way people talk about it. There must be, like, criteria or something."

Charlie gave him a look that was so soft and full of love that it made Alex shiver in the best way possible.

"Alex, I'm not going to judge you on any sort of criteria. I just want us to have a good time."

"But everybody else—"

"Everybody else," Charlie interrupted him firmly, "is not going to be in the room when we have sex. They don't get a say."

It was such a simple statement, but strangely profound at the same time. It took a few moments for Alex to process. Charlie still had that soft look in his eyes.

"What if I do something wrong?"

"Then you do something wrong. I'm not going to love you any less, I promise. Nothing you do could ever make me love you any less."

And then Alex did kiss him, not just because he loved kissing Charlie, but also because he never quite knew how to respond when Charlie said things like that. Deep down, he still often felt like he didn't deserve to be loved like that. Not long ago he'd hated himself so much he'd been ready to put a bullet in his own head, and even now he found it hard to believe Charlie sometimes. He was trying to get there, though.

"Thank you for saying that," he finally said, his voice a little shaky, very close to breaking.

Charlie embraced him again, and Alex let his head sink down onto his boyfriend's chest, listening to Charlie's heartbeat through the soft fabric of his t-shirt.

"Why are you so afraid?"

Alex sighed, overcome by embarrassment for a moment, but then decided to tell Charlie the truth.

"When I was with Jess... I don't know, I don't think she enjoyed it, having sex with me. When she broke up with me she said that was the reason. I just... don't want that to happen again, you know?"

"Alex," Charlie said, so softly and full of love that it made Alex's heart beat faster. "That's not going to happen with me. I promise."

Alex shook his head.

"You shouldn't make promises you can't keep. Maybe I'm abysmal at it."

Charlie laughed, which was a little unexpected, but it did make Alex smile as well.

"So what? Nobody's good at anything on the first try. We'll figure it out."

He kissed Alex's forehead.

"I can tell you one thing, though," Charlie added then, more quietly. "If you keep putting so much pressure on yourself to somehow be perfect at having sex, then you're going to end up feeling disappointed no matter what happens. Because nobody can live up to an ideal like that. Especially not me."

Alex breathed in Charlie's scent, which always soothed him.

"What do you mean, especially not you?"

Charlie began caressing Alex's back absent-mindedly, drawing little patterns with his fingertips.

"I've never been with a guy." Charlie sounded uncharacteristically vulnerable, and not for the first time, Alex felt the urge to protect him, even though it was usually the other way around. "So I'm pretty sure I'm going to do some awkward things, and I'm not going to get everything right on the first try either. And I want that to be okay, I want us to be able to laugh about it, you know?"

Alex felt like the biggest fucking idiot in the world.

"Charlie, I'm sorry, I didn't... Of course that's okay!"

"So if it's okay for me to make mistakes, it has to be okay for you, too. You can't have one without the other."

Again, one of those things that Charlie just said very lightly but affected Alex profoundly.

"Fuck, I'm an idiot," he said after a moment.

Charlie ran his fingers through Alex's hair, right behind his ear.

"Please don't say that about yourself. You're not an idiot."

Alex swallowed down his _Yeah, I am_ before it was out of his mouth. He knew Charlie would argue about it, and he didn't want to derail the conversation.

"Do you really think sex is about having fun?"

It was an honest question this time.

"I think it should be," Charlie said, and Alex could hear the soft smile in his voice.

Alex ran a hand over Charlie's chest, closing his eyes to focus on the feeling. They were silent for a while, and Alex thought that maybe Charlie was right. He had just never considered it a possibility... The idea took some of the weight off the whole thing, if he didn't have to prove anything or show off skills he definitely didn't have, if it was just about having fun with Charlie? Alex was pretty sure he could do that.

Charlie was playing with his hair, and Alex almost fell asleep again. One day, he would figure out how to tell Charlie how good he made him feel, safe and protected and at home, somehow. Like the rest of the world ceased to matter when Charlie was holding him. It was a feeling so profound that Alex hadn't yet found the right words to convey it.

He hoped that having sex with Charlie would be the same.

That thought made his nerves flare up again, chasing the drowsiness away. Alex told himself to stay calm, they weren't about to have sex, his freaking parents were in the house and no matter how much he loved Charlie, he would not take the risk of his mom walking in on them. No way.

Going over their conversation in his mind, he remembered he'd wanted to ask something else. He leaned up on his elbow again to look at Charlie's face.

"Before, you said that... I mean, have you—have you ever had sex with a girl?"

Charlie shrugged.

"Depends on your definition, I guess. I mean, I took a girl to homecoming last year, and we spent some time in the back of her car, which was lovely, but I did keep my pants on throughout the whole thing."

Alex frowned.

"Then how does it depend on my definition?"

There was a slight grin on Charlie's face, but more importantly, a blush creeping into his cheeks that was incredibly adorable.

"Well, technically, oral sex counts as sex, so..."

He winked at Alex, who burst out laughing.

"I should have known. Of course you would eat a girl out on the first date without expecting anything in return... I do feel sorry for girls everywhere that I took you from them."

That made Charlie laugh as well.

"You know me, I like taking care of people."

Alex could feel the butterflies in his stomach. His voice was very tender when he spoke.

"Yeah, I know. And I'm glad that it's me you're taking care of now."

Charlie smiled at him, and Alex could feel his heart melting.

"Me too."

Alex gave him a kiss, gently, slowly, deliberately. He took Charlie's face in his hands and kissed all his favorite spots: Charlie's cheeks and Charlie's temples and Charlie's forehead and Charlie's nose and Charlie's jaw...

"I love you," Alex whispered in between kisses. "I love you so much, Charles Hayden Brixton Saint George."

"And I love you so much," Charlie replied with a soft smile, and Alex kissed that smile as well because he adored it, because it was one of his favorite, favorite things about Charlie.

"Although I'm less obsessed with your name than you seem to be with mine," Charlie added, still grinning.

"Yeah, that's because _Alexander Dean Standall_ is basic, while your name is a true masterpiece."

"Hey, I never said your name was basic!"

They were both laughing then, and Charlie kissed Alex again, only to be interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Good morning, boys," Alex's mom said, her voice slightly muffled through the door. "Breakfast is ready."

"Coming, mom!" Alex called back, then turned to Charlie. "Okay, I do have one non-negotiable condition for us having sex: no parents in the house."

Charlie nodded gravely, paling a little at the thought.

"I absolutely agree."

**

They were in luck barely a week later, when Charlie's dad was away on some conference for a whole weekend. Alex was definitely nervous, but not as much as he had been before their heart-to-heart. And his excitement was much stronger in any case: he wanted this. He was ready.

Charlie greeted him with a smile that seemed to be even bigger than normal, which was saying something. Alex kissed him, lips slightly trembling. Neither of them had actually said that they were going to sleep together that day in so many words, but from the moment Charlie had told him that his dad would be away over the weekend, Alex had been sure they were on the same page.

"I made dinner," Charlie said by way of greeting. "Come in."

It turned out that _dinner_ was a vast understatement. The table was decorated with red roses and candles, and the three courses of the meal itself looked like they could be served at a five-star restaurant.

"Holy shit," Alex mumbled. "Charles, you didn't have to."

Charlie looked at him weirdly, like he didn't quite understand what Alex meant.

"But I wanted to! It'll be like a romantic date, right?"

He was grinning again, obviously thrilled, and Alex was torn between loving Charlie and hating himself.

"I didn't even bring flowers," Alex sighed. "I'm not sure I deserve this."

Charlie stepped in front of him, putting his hands on Alex's shoulders and looking him in the eyes, uncharacteristically serious.

"Alex, I will have none of that today. I wanted to do this for you and you deserve it and don't you dare question that. And I didn't expect you to bring flowers because I know that's not the sort of thing you do. And that is okay because I love you exactly the way you are. End of discussion."

Alex hardly ever heard Charlie talk like that, he was usually much too sweet to put his foot down, except in football practice. In a way, it was strangely hot to hear that tone of voice now, when it was just the two of them. Alex decided to postpone contemplating this discovery in more detail. This wasn't the time.

"Alright," Alex agreed placidly. "Thank you for doing this."

Charlie kissed him, then he led Alex to the table and got his chair for him, and Alex shook his head affectionately, slightly overwhelmed, but didn't protest. This was how Charlie liked to show his emotions, by making grand gestures, and what Charlie had said about Alex was true in reverse as well: Alex loved Charlie exactly the way he was.

The food was incredible, and Alex told Charlie so at least ten times.

Later, Alex could not have said what they talked about. It was mostly inconsequential: light banter that made butterflies flutter in Alex's stomach. Teasing each other a little, complimenting each other, Charlie smiling like that, yes, Alex mostly remembered his smile afterwards. That gorgeous smile that he loved so much.

They cleared the table together, which was maybe not one hundred percent fitting with the "romantic date" set-up, but Alex didn't want to pretend to live in some fantasy anyway. Being with Charlie in the real world was much better than any of that, and being in the real world included doing the dishes, unfortunately.

It wasn't all bad, either: they kept sneaking kisses and grinning at each other and Alex could only describe his mood as giddy, for lack of a better word. He hadn't felt like this in a very, very long time. Maybe never.

When the table was empty and the dishwasher was running, Charlie extinguished the candles, then offered Alex his arm with a wink.

"You coming?"

Alex grinned back at him.

"Oh, absolutely."

He took the proffered arm, and let Charlie lead him upstairs. Alex could feel his heart beating fast, his fingers were trembling slightly in anticipation, and he was glad that he'd thought to take a shower right before leaving his house earlier that evening, because he didn't want to waste any time on something like that now.

Charlie kissed his temple very lightly, then opened the door to his room.

Alex was speechless.

There were rose petals all over the bed and the floor; the whole room was full of candles, those fake ones that Charlie had used when he'd asked Alex to prom. Which was good, because with the way some of these were positioned on the bookshelves now, real candles would have been a gigantic fire hazard.

"Charlie..." He whispered, still a little overwhelmed. "I love you."

Charlie grinned at him, obviously thrilled at Alex's reaction.

"I love you, too."

"I can't—no, you know what, actually, I _can_ believe you did this. Thank you."

Alex laughed when Charlie playfully pulled him into the room and closed the door behind them.

"Come on."

Charlie was gorgeous in the soft light of the candles. Well, he was always gorgeous, but now, he looked almost angelic, classically beautiful. Alex _wanted_ him. Very much.

He leaned up to kiss Charlie, not holding anything back. Charlie embraced him tightly, pulling him closer, and Alex buried one hand in Charlie's hair, mussing it up a little. Alex could feel a sort of tension leaving his body, a tension he hadn't even realised he'd held inside him: he trusted Charlie, he felt safe here, with him.

They stumbled over to the bed: even though both of them were intent on getting there quickly, they continued kissing each other, which made their movements rather clumsy. There always seemed to be at least one leg in the way, somehow. Alex didn't mind, though. On the contrary, this only added to the giddiness he'd already been feeling, and when they collapsed on top of the bed, both Alex and Charlie were laughing.

"So, would you like to have sex with me?"

Charlie somehow managed to make this sound serious, almost sultry, even though the mirth was still visible on his face. Alex grinned.

"Yes. _Please._ "

He kicked off his shoes so he could fully sit on the duvet, and Charlie followed his example. Alex could feel the soft texture of rose petals against his palm when he leaned over to kiss Charlie again, using his arm to support his weight.

"If something is happening too fast for you, or it's too much or doesn't feel good, you tell me, alright? No matter what we're doing, you can always tell me to stop. At any time. Yeah?"

Alex nodded.

"Yeah. You too, of course."

He kissed Charlie once more, then bit Charlie's lower lip playfully. A quiet moan escaped Charlie's throat, and that sound went straight to Alex's core, making him shiver. God, he wanted to hear that again. Before he could do anything else, however, Charlie retaliated by pushing Alex's head back so he could place kisses along his jawline.

With his free hand, Alex followed the contours of Charlie's chest: his cute face often distracted from the fact that his body was actually quite well-toned thanks to the many hours spent on the football field. Alex couldn't help licking his lips.

Charlie himself was busy kissing down Alex's neck, then flicked his tongue against the skin right below Alex's Adam's apple, making Alex whimper. He could feel Charlie grin against his skin right before doing that same thing again.

Alex longed to be closer to him, to feel the warmth of his skin, to get rid of everything that was still keeping them apart...

"Can I take off your shirt?" he asked, his voice somewhat raspy.

Charlie nodded eagerly, and they both moved a little so Alex could tug the bothersome garment out of the way. It wasn't like he'd never seen Charlie shirtless, exactly, but the fact that this time, Alex actually got to touch him as much as he wanted, that this time they were all alone, no football team in sight, stirred something deep inside Alex, almost like hunger.

"Yours too? For fairness's sake?" Charlie asked with a grin.

"Who am I to stand in the way of fairness," Alex dead-panned, making Charlie smile even wider.

The shirt in question ended up on top of Charlie's, somewhere at the foot of the bed.

Charlie's skin really did feel amazing against Alex's own, touching him made him feel like there were little sparks between them, it had never felt like this with Jess, not once. There was an important realisation in there, somewhere, but Alex was too distracted by his need to touch Charlie to contemplate this any further. All thoughts of Jess were soon pushed out of his mind as he began exploring Charlie's chest with his hands, and then with his lips, and Charlie was caressing his back, his fingertips hot against Alex's skin.

Alex lost his sense of time. It ceased to matter, when all he wanted to do was to touch Charlie, to be close to him, to find out how he liked to be touched, and Charlie was just as enthusiastic about getting to know Alex in this way.

There was a kind of smile on Charlie's lips that Alex had never seen, that seemed more personal, more private, than his usual smile, and his eyes were wide and dark, strangely vulnerable. It felt like a gift, more intimate and more important than physical connection. A gift and a privilege, to see Charlie like this, to share his own vulnerability with him in turn.

One thing was certain: Alex wanted to make Charlie happy, and on a baser level, wanted to satisfy him; to feel him, watch him, hear him come undone, wanted that so much more than his own pleasure, almost didn't care about himself.

The rest of their clothing was soon gone, thrown in the direction of their shirts and immediately forgotten.

"You're gorgeous," Charlie whispered, right before their bodies met, drawn to each other like magnets, and the words, combined with the delightful warmth, made Alex shudder.

Their kisses were hungry and tender at the same time.

"I love you," Alex promised, smiling because all of it felt so right, "I love you."

"I love you, too," Charlie breathed against Alex's skin with soft reverence in his voice that Alex didn't feel worthy of, and at the same time craved desperately, because it made that annoying little voice inside Alex's head shut up, the one that constantly told him he wasn't good enough.

Time seemed to cease—all that existed in the world was Charlie, his smile, his voice, his touch, his lips, his hands, his eyes, darker than usual—all that existed was Alex's overwhelming need to be closer to him, so much closer—all that existed were the gentle kisses they shared, the touch of fingertips on skin, fast beating hearts and stomachs full of butterflies—all that existed was their love for each other.

Alex's whole body shook with need. At the same time, their closeness felt natural, like it wasn't a big deal at all, like it was something that had already belonged to Alex's life for a long time, even though he had just discovered it today.

Charlie's skin seemed to glow in the soft candle light, and Alex tried to commit it all to memory: the gentle look on Charlie's face, the way he smiled when their eyes met, the movements of his body, strong and vulnerable at the same time.

They ended up grinning a lot, laughing, too, and Alex had to concede that maybe Charlie had been right when he'd insisted sex was about having fun. Sharing this happy intimacy was unexpectedly easy: somehow, it just felt _right_ , soft laughs and whispered jokes and light teasing—and in between, moments of honesty, of truth, of trust.

Alex found he trusted Charlie like he had never trusted anybody, and that realisation in itself was joyous and whimsical in equal measure.

They were learning together, trying things together, and some of them worked and some of them didn't, and that was okay. Alex had never been so glad to find that his fears had been baseless, his worries unnecessary. On the contrary: laughing about their mistakes seemed to deepen their bond, to strengthen their trust, to bring them even closer together.

And in the throes of passion, there was only one thought on Alex's mind: how much he loved the man in his arms.

**

"I think I get it now," Alex mumbled, lost in thought.

"Get what?"

"Why Jess didn't have a good time with me." Alex was speaking without any embarrassment now. He was already making peace with that part of his life, now that he understood what the problem had been. "I never actually—I thought I wanted her, but I guess I was just, like, horny, and was convinced the right way to deal with that was to have sex with a girl. Which was, admittedly, extremely stupid. I could barely bring myself to touch her, and I think I finally know why: I'm not into women."

Alex shook his head, almost laughing at the absurdity of the very idea of touching a woman, and a little disappointed in his past self too, but he had no way of going back in time and yelling at himself to try having sex with a guy instead of a girl.

And he was also glad he hadn't because otherwise he couldn't have shared his first time with Charlie.

"I guess I should apologize to Jess for putting her through that."

Charlie laughed.

"If you do, please make sure I'm in the room with you. I'd love to see her reaction to that."

Alex laughed as well, feeling warm and content.

"I bet she'd be really sweet about it, actually, and happy that I finally figured it out."

Charlie pulled him closer, and Alex revelled in the sensation of this sated intimacy.

"I'm happy you did, too."

Alex laughed.

"Yeah, no kidding."

He kissed his boyfriend, very softly, very slowly. Then, he closed his eyes and drifted of to sleep in Charlie's arms, feeling more at peace than he ever had in his entire life.


End file.
